Suburban Breakout Audax
Posted on Wednesday 27 June 2007 by Camille Savory
Do it as your first, do it as your fastest, do it on fixed… Last year it was my first, I don’t do fast, so it had to be…
To ensure success, I had formulated a [cunning plan] and route-sheet marked with little arrows. Did it work? Well…
[Wash Fuji.] Why oh why did I bother? [Walk up Archway Hill.] Actually, only the really nasty bit in the middle. But in the p***ing rain. No ‘guards. Since I was up, I might as well DNS in person. The honorable organizer had other ideas.[Consume one of 17 bananas.] And coffee. And meet my pre-arranged companion, dammit. [Start l'autobus and depart 10.05 when the mad rush is gone.] Tethered together by an elastic band, the Blue One and I have opposing tactics for ascending / descending, but a shared appreciation of strategic stops and disregard for speed. [Suffer onwards] ahh, Barnet Hill, [to double lump circa 15km - consider walking.] Oh yes. Carbone Hill vs my legs is no contest. But I make it up the second lump. Yeehaw. Lets call it even.[Rest legs at info and consume bananas.] Just taking my waterproof off.
[Suffer onwards to Bengeo - consider walking.] Thieves lane tries to nick my energy, but I hold on. Storm the lump to Bengeo in fine style. Reward myself with banana. Then a bizarre and tranquil run though fields of chamomile. Just like being inside a tea cup.
[Say hell(o) to Andrew at Cottered and consume sandwich.] Oh look, he’s saved me some bananas! I raid supplies, Mr S raids the village fete. [Storm onwards to Essendon.] Storm is the word. We pause to admire a war memorial under a very fetching pagoda roof. Then an unstrategic stop, but we pass on tea at Panshanger aerodrome. Such self-restraint. [Consider killing organiser.] Ahh, Essendon Hill. I grovel a bit, but it’s nowhere near as bad as threatened. Just a stern swearing at, then.
[Rest everything at info and consume anything left.] After complex calculations, we donate a spare tube to a very unfortunate. He is never seen again. [Limp home.] Umm, exactly how many spare tubes do we have? The tyres seem to be suffering far more than me – all those stops are good for something. [Kill organiser.] Make it back to find he’s turned into a fried breakfast, sparing me the trouble. Final score: lumps 2, me at least 4. Result! Then a donation by a kind controller means I end up with more bananas than I started with!
And then, of course, I spend far too long basking in the wretchedness of the arriving Muswell Hill-iers, and end up having to snorkel home. With thanks to the honourable organizer and controllers (who could have been out there getting wet), and my faithful companion (who got even wetter because of me.)